Perfectly Lonely
by sively
Summary: Addison comes to her senses and returns to New York. She contemplates on her life thus far and reflects on a real chance at starting over.


Updated note: After some thought I decided to make this fic into a one-shot that focused on Addison. She was my muse for more than 4 years and I will always love Addison pre-Addisam, but the inspiration just came to a halt and I think the character I loved on canon has evolved into someone else that I don't really care for anymore. I also haven't been watching Grey's for the longest time, and feared that I would write a wrong characterization of Mark, hence the hesitation to start a new chapter.

Anyway, this was just a form of catharsis for me, and I feel that it worked, so if you feel the same way about Addison these days, then I hope you enjoy.

Author's note: My frustration with how Addison is turning out to be in Shondaland led me to write this one. In my world, Addison came back to her senses. And that's where this story begins. Yes, I tend to have slow buildup when I write.. I tend to describe things too much. I don't write that often, cos I don't like to butcher characters. Nevertheless.. I hope you enjoy.

The title is inspired by a song off John Mayer's Battle Studies. Great album, great songs. They provide a wonderful setting to this story.

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PERFECTLY LONELY

Her long, slender fingers graze across the dark, dusty wood of the table with the intricate ornaments and the picture frames. Her fingers leave a trail of shiny wood; she shakes her head and smiles to herself, dusting her fingers on her dark grey lounge pants. She looks around her, the place familiar and different, cozy and cold. Everything is still in the same place, just as she left it, except for a few things missing here and there. Since it became legally hers after the divorce, she never got around to do anything about it. She thought once, twice, about renting it out. Maybe once she even thought of selling it. But the Practice kept her busy, and she didn't have time to dwell on matters of the past.

She walks up the narrow staircase, supporting herself on the handrail. One step, two steps, three steps. The hallway on the second floor is dark, looming like an ominous spirit, and for a fleeting moment she wants to turn back, run the whole way down and out into the street. After all, it's been years since anyone's lived here. It's not impossible that another entity may have decided to make this place its home. But she takes a deep breath, and urges herself to reach the second floor. Her hand finds the switch, flicks on the light. She walks past the pictures on the wall, smiles at the good memories that cross her mind.

She reaches the bedroom, opens the door, turns on the light.

The bed is clean, covered with navy blue sheets. The closets are open, empty. The bedside lamp is still on the side table. A few of her books stand unperturbed on the shelves.

Addison sits on the edge of the bed, a heavy heart weighing her down. There is a picture of her and Derek on the shelf next to the books; it was taken one warm afternoon during their first stay at the Hamptons. He was all smiles, arms wrapped around her, as she looked at the camera with the biggest grin on her face. How young they were, how restless, in love. She never thought they'd end up where they were now, so different, so far apart, divorced. She wills the tears to fall from her eyes, anything to ease the heaviness pressing down on her but nothing comes out. She has already shed all the tears she could of Derek, and of their fairytale marriage. What weighed her down now was the overwhelming feeling of sadness of what was and what could never be.

She lets out a deep sigh and falls back on the bed, then stares at the ceiling. _What the hell have I been doing these past few years?_ She recalls her life in Seattle and LA, of days saving lives and wallowing about her own, of nights sleeping alone in her bed and of others in the arms of a man. She shakes her head in disbelief. _HA._ She followed Derek to Seattle in an attempt to win him back, but failed and watched him begin anew with a willowy young intern. Mark followed her to Seattle, but her strong resolve never to get involved with anything from the past compelled her to build a sturdy wall between herself and Mark. She realizes, with a tinge of regret, that she may have pushed him away too much, too often. Despite all their history, he was _still_ her good friend. A fling with an intern, coupled with her inability to handle another rejection, led her to move to LA to start a new life on her own, without Derek, without Mark, or any hint whatsoever of the past. She thought escape was the answer. That was how Derek handled his problems, wasn't it? It worked out so well for him. Maybe it would work for her as well. She had high hopes.

Living in LA prompted Addison to adjust to new people, a new home, a new way of life. Even though she and Naomi and Sam had been estranged for years, kept apart by time zones and extremely busy schedules, they managed to rebuild their friendship effortlessly. What Addison didn't count on was to get involved with her best friend's business, eventually taking over it, and, in the end, inadvertently taking over her best friend's, _Naomi's_, life. After a successive string of grievous events: Violet's traumatic experience, the doomed fling with Pete, Maya's pregnancy and accident, and then finally, Dell's death, Addison had no one else to turn to but Sam, who was suffering as much as she was. They turned to each other in a momentary lapse of judgment; confusing comfort with lust, familiarity, love. In the end, they realized it was a mistake, but it was too late. Naomi had found out. Wounds were created. And they ran deep. Addison could never forget the look of disappointment in Naomi's eyes the day she confronted her about Sam. She felt she had done so much worse than whatever the Captain and Bizzy did to her. She was a monster just as much as her parents were. "Who are you?", Naomi whispered, sad and defeated, "Whatever happened to the Addison that I know?" Suddenly Addison began to see herself for what she truly was, now.. someone that she too, barely recognized. _Who am I? Whatever happened to me?_

She became convinced that moving to a different place was not the answer. Changing her life just because Derek changed his was not going to erase the past and improve the future. She knew she had to go back to her real home, her city, rebuild the old Addison again, just this time, a stronger one, someone more resilient, someone who has been through hell and back. Because, she thinks, she really has been, in a way. This was her life long before Derek, Mark, Naomi or Sam. Once a wide-eyed young soul fresh from Connecticut, she braved the crowds and concrete jungles of New York and planted her heart in this promising city. Long before all the heartache, she found herself in this place, looking forward to a fulfilling life far away from the shortcomings of her father and mother, a life devoted to helping mothers give birth to healthy babies and making lives better with the miracle of medicine.

Realizing all of this, she slowly began to close her eyes, ready to fall asleep. The sounds of the city, alive as it has always been, played like a harmony in her ears. She was ready to dream again.

xxx


End file.
